I guess since I have MS, that title could sound sketchy. Don’t fret, not blind. Feeling less mentally blind than I’ve felt in awhile as well.
So, I’ve been missing for a couple of months, but I can’t promise I’ll be back permanently or as often as I was before but hopefully I’ll get on here a little more often than quarterly.
I felt like I needed some time off from the blog, from the MS for that matter. Luckily I still have good enough health that I don’t have to think about it because I don’t have constant symptoms. However, my anxiety often thinks it’s a good idea for us (me and my anxiety) to think about.
I’m doing well on the Copaxone. Used to the thrice weekly injections. No side effects except injection site reactions that are either better than previously or I just don’t care about them anymore.
Saw my MS doctor again about a month ago. Nothing crazy to report there. I love my doctor though!
I had been getting wrapped up in anxiety again so I was back at my therapist, working on it. Feeling like I would never get out.
Then something magical happened last week: vacation! The first vacation we’ve had since this MS mess started and my husband graduated from college. Finally! Some time to process and get my head right! I haven’t taken any Xanax in over a week now, no need. And not taking it equaled no rebound anxiety and no worries over whether I need it to deal with my MS or my anxiety! I’m free!
I’ve said before that I hate psych meds…I really do. That’s not to say they don’t have their place…I needed it for awhile. Panic attacks about MS aren’t fun. But I was still scared to go without it recently because I was still so anxious the day after I took it…that’s rebound anxiety. I didn’t take it often enough to be physically dependent on it but I was on a feeling roller coaster of “oh, it makes me feel better and I have MS so why should I spend my life feeling shitty?! Should I take it or not?”
So yes, anti anxiety and antidepression meds have their place but are not a solution on their own. Eventually you have to deal, you own your shit, you find a way to move forward. And it’s hard as hell with MS. I’m not saying that I have all the answers. And the truth is you have to find your own any way…and it may take you more or less time than me. It may take me more time that I’m just not aware of yet (hopefully not.)
I’ve been thinking about meaning which led to tattoos. The one I never got for my dog who passed away almost 2 years ago now. Our first dog. So, since May, my husband has a portrait on his calf and I’m 3 sessions into my sleeve/portrait for him. It just seemed like the right time to finally do it. I needed to make something beautiful to remember him.
My forearm so far:
My portrait so far:
And my husband’s portrait:
I know a lot of people don’t like tattoos but this whole experience has been very cathartic for me. In regards to my MS too. I’m not going to stop living. I’m going to keep creating a life to be proud of in one way or another.